If you’ve come to be sitting in my office you will pretty quickly find out I’m a fan of Epictetus, one of the major contributors to the Stoicism philosophy, itself a significant influencer to our current CBT model of therapy.
I love most things Epictetus had to say, but my favorite quote is:
“It isn’t the events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgements about them.” (Epictetus, Enchiridion, 5)
I have to admit, as a therapist there is something deep in me that rejects Epictetus’ statement. My whole career has been listening to people’s stories. Some of these stories are deeply traumatic.
Am I supposed to sit across from someone who lost their wife to cancer and say, “It isn’t the event of your wife dying that is disturbing you, but only your judgement about your wife dying”?
Of course not. It demonstrates a severe lack of empathy. The healing process only works if space is allowed for grief to be expressed.
But.
Should I sit in subsequent sessions and allow the “disturbance” (to quote Epictetus here) to continue? It depends how long we’re talking. Three sessions later? Of course. Three months later? Absolutely. Three years later? Well…
It’s possible I unfairly judge Epictetus’s quote due to it’s notion of immediacy. Maybe it’s just the translation, but what he appears to say to anyone trying to practice Stoicism is, “Hey, get over it. Nothing should bother you.”
Dig deeper and the true essence of the quote sinks in a bit more. He’s not saying don’t allow for grief. He’s saying don’t allow your grief to hatch more disturbances.
Depending on the level of distress or trauma associated with the event, it will take various amounts of time to work through, process, accept and give up judgment of the events. Only then will the disturbance of the event dissipate.
Let’s use another example that’s less morbid.
Imagine you find out your coworker has been talking about you behind your back. Okay Epictetus, you’re up again:
“It isn’t events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgements about them.”
This less stressful event makes it easier to apply Epictetus’ mantra. Too often we get caught up in other people’s words, perceptions or behaviors. But if you prevent your ‘disturbances’ from entering, they won’t be able to establish a presence and create misery in your life.
The challenge is navigating the balance between acknowledging the sometimes raw reality of life and moving toward resilience and acceptance. The process of healing needs to be honored while remembering the power we have to shape our responses to life’s devastating events.
So thank you Epictetus, you always remind me to cultivate an inner sanctuary of peace and resilience.