Don’t Become a Slave to Your Expectations

If you end up spending any amount of time with me in a therapy session you’ll eventually hear me say, “Don’t become a slave to your expectations.” I’ve said it for years and don’t plan to relinquish its wisdom soon.

I don’t know where I picked up the phrase. Googling it offers no insight into its origins. Most likely it’s an amalgamation I cobbled together from a little bit of stoicism¹ and a little bit of the Four Agreements².

If you’re knee deep in therapy and really working on some issues that have plagued you for some time, more than likely you will discover, like the rest of us, that human beings are very good at creating narratives that may not exist or may never come to fruition. We all do it; it’s natural, but only some people catch themselves and turn it around before real or perceived damage occurs.

Call it what you want; irrationality, thinking errors, cognitive distortion, it all takes us to the same place: creating a narrative that often doesn’t reflect reality.

Here’s an example. Let’s say a couple has been dating for a few months. Let’s call them Savannah and Theresa. Savannah texts Theresa during her free time at work, expecting a quick reply.

But the quick reply doesn’t arrive.

Savannah immediately creates a narrative. It’s what our brain does. The narrative might be that Theresa is getting bored dating her. Or that Theresa is texting someone else instead. Or Theresa is in trouble or hurt.

To be fair, Savannah may also create a narrative that Theresa is simply busy at work and hasn’t had time to look at her phone. But usually, the narratives that come to mind have a negative skew, wreaking havoc in our emotions.

When Theresa finally replies, Savannah’s anxiety, fear, irritability, or anger may surprise her. After all, Savannah created a fictional narrative while Theresa has been living in reality.

If Savannah is grounded, she can self-correct and prevent further grief. But if she can’t and her irritation negatively affects Theresa then this becomes a fertile breeding ground for an argument.

I’ve heard hundreds of similar stories and helped clients break free from their expectations. Be assured, I have often failed to follow my own advice.

When we create fictional expectations, in the above example, expecting a quick reply from a loved one, we enslave ourselves to some level of irrationality.

So let go of rigid expectations and stay open to possibilities. Pause before reacting to the stories your mind creates. Challenge assumptions rather than accepting them. Practice flexibility in thought and action. Instead of clinging to a fixed outcome, remain curious. Breaking free from irrational expectations allows you to live a life of emotional freedom.

Photo by Jill Heyer.